Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You ruined the universe
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
