I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
