I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
