You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
