Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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