Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
