woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
