yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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