Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
