Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
