Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
