I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
