guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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