I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I could make wine with my vomit
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
