My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
