two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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