Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
