I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
