Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker