I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..