stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
