Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
