You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
