How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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