She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
