im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
