Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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