i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
