Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
