One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
