I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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