This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
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Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.