it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn