i don't like sucking hair
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.