Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
