i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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