i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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