Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I want a musical about memes.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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