Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
