The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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