I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
