her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
