Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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