we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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