Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
