Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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