Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
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I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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