you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
