But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
