WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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