You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
