I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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