im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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