I cut my penus on the lid.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Life is so much better after having sex.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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