i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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