If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
