dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
