I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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