Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
