drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
