Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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