it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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