Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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