My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
